I have always got on well with my older brother’s wife, but recently my mum has been ill and, because I live a couple of hours away, they have been spending a lot of time together. All I hear from my mum is how wonderful she is. I’m grateful Mum isn’t on her own, but I feel my sister-in-law is trying to steal my place. She never misses a chance to tell me how much she’s doing for my mum.
Lucy Beresford replies: I hear much frustration in your letter. Not only are you having to cope with your mum’s illness from a distance, but you’re feeling squeezed out. My sense is that the helplessness of the former situation is exacerbating underlying issues around the latter.
What could be happening is that your sister-in-law – with whom, up until recently, you have got on well with – is trying to reassure you that she’s looking after your mum when you can’t, that your mum is in safe and caring hands. Or, given her illness, your mum may have decided to focus on the nicer things happening in her life when she speaks to you, which is why she talks so much about your sister-in-law.
The difficulty is that you have a very specific interpretation about what’s going on: that you are being squeezed out deliberately by someone attempting to steal your place. The clue is that you feel this to be the case.
The words ‘sibling rivalry’ sprang to mind when I read your letter, so I’m curious to know about your relationship with your brother, or whether you have unresolved issues from childhood about competition or being replaced. Exploring such issues could ease your anxieties.
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