Hi guys, I could really do with some sage advice around now. My boyfriend broke up with me last week out of nowhere. Fours days after a conversation about the future (where he described the house he sees us living in), he has a complete freak out and ends everything. There's more to it than that, but basically it came out of nowhere as far as I was concerned. In past relationships, I could see the end coming. This was different. This was like I got hit by a truck.
 
My question is: Why am I not more devastated? My body has been affected more than I have, from the looks of things. I haven't wanted to eat, I'm constantly going to the loo, and I've vomited every day since. On the other hand, emotionally I've felt strong much more than I've felt weak. I've had moments of whaling, sobbing, and a 45 min conversation with him the other night where we were both crying softly. But on a whole I've been walking around as if nothing has really happened. We'd made plans to go traveling for a year together, so even logistically I should be more devastated than this. Am I in shock? Or did he not mean that much to me in the grand scheme of things? I don't really believe in the later question, but I just can't explain my reaction. I've been more shook by more minor relationships than this one.
 
Please help

Hi Ellie78,
 
I think there are two issues here. One is why did he end this so suddenly and the other is why aren't you more hurt.. I suspect the two things are interlinked - the fact that he ended it so suddenly means you can't quite believe that it's over or, if you do really know it is, it still doesn't feel that way because you haven't got the reasons for the break up clear in your mind.  
 
I suggest trying to talk to your ex and explain it's really important for you to know WHY he's so suddenly ended things. That way you'll either be able to repair the damage if the reasons just don't ring true or grieve and move on properly.
 
Wishing you all the best with this,
Becca
x

Thanks Becca. I'm meeting up with him on Sunday, and I think my emotions are on pause until then. He's made it clear that he panicked. I think I need to know whether its over over or whether we have a chance to move on. This limbo is the weirdest feeling. But also liberating in a way, because (having already handed my notice into work because of our trip) my options are now wide open.

Hi Elllie,
I think it's great that you're viewing this in such a positive way now. Having your options all open must be an exciting feeling - do hang on to that. Fingers crossed for Sunday - I hope that you can talk everything through thoroughly and work out what's best for you both.
xx

Hi darling,  
thanx for putting this up! I could happily relate to THIS as I ve been in similar situation SEVERAL TIMES! OK, some guys can get panicky if they take relationships and responsibilities seriously! They might feel soft n overvelmed at some point and feel in love but...the next moment the reality kiks in and they realise that they have to give up some of their freedoms n habits or even adjust major plans if they really want to be with u! And this can be scary.
 
I was in this situation before - i was going out with a guy for a year and were *in luv* but suddnely he asked me over and just said that he "wanted to break up with me, if that s OK" - this was what he said. I was so shocked but I wasn t desperate as i felt it could be for good. 2 weeks passed and he texted me twice telling that he d made a mistake. But i didn't reply (u cann't solve issues like that by text, right?)...I guess i didn't want to seem too "cheap" and i pretended that I have nothing to say...In few days he rang and asked if he could visit me and i said yes. He visited me n told that it was a mistake and he wants to be with me blablabla. I was polite but bit reserved and said that I can't really be with a guy who isn't quite sure what he wants...We talked about all for a while and I told I could give him a second chance We were togethie for 4 years and nothing like that ever happened! The relationship ended coz I got bit bored.
 
Hey, I guess I know what u could do - meet up with him and be nice, BUT - don't give in too easily! Pretend that u are causious too and say that u need a guy who is sure what he wants or something! Make him feel that u have to be "won over" again,and it is not going to take 5 minutes and few cheesy words! I know, it is hard to do if u r in luv, but it it doable! LOL.  
 
After all, u don't want to leave an impression and set the pattern that u need this relationship more than he needs you; don't show him that he can decide and walk away and you will always be there waiting for him just like nothing has ever happened!!!
 
 He has to win u back! I know it is a play and an act, but relationships is a game! We have to play smart and be bitchy sometimes! )
I absolutely love this Russian expression- "a man should know his place!" Ha ha!
 
And i as well am a great believer in this - if you feel deep inside that s allright, then it is! I really believe it s going to be OK for u this time. But be smart - im telling u this as a Bitch 2 a Bitch! LOL
 
All the best & more, love-
v

PS, By the way I would really LOVE to hear a guy's opinion about this! LOL

Hi animated. Thanks for the reply. I finally met up with him yesterday (a day earlier than planned) and feel a whole lot better. We talked for three hours and I got to say everything I wanted and get the answers I needed. It transpires that he's putting an end to us so that he can be 'free' on this big trip to do as he pleases. He had planned this trip before I met him (and after a messy breakup from his ex wife) and had seen it as this huge single man adventure. Then the closer and closer we got he wanted to include me into it. Until it came to a point where he just got scared. We're not getting back together (for now anyway), but he has promised me to get some counselling about some of his issues. He said that he's regretted making the decision, but he's hurt me so much now that if he just asks to come back after two weeks then the hurt will have been in vain. That he knows he's probably making the biggest mistake of his life, but he doesn't want to have doubt. Either way, I feel good. I was a 10/10 girlfriend. Like I said to him yesterday, he got me at my best. I've not been 100% on form for years, and he finally got me at the best I've ever been - healthy positive outlook on life, reflected in how I acted as a girlfriend. I can walk away now knowing that none of this was because he didn't love me enough... Or that I wasn't enough... It's all about his own insecurities, immaturities and the remnants of a marriage gone wrong. My body has stopped 'acting out' and I'm finally able to eat again. Thank you guys for all your words of kindness. I love this forum x

Hey Ellie,
 
Just wanted to say I'm really glad you sorted things out. You sound so positive.. What are your plans now? You going to go on a trip on your own?
 
Take care xx

Thanks Becca. Well I'm looking into loads of options. Traveling (for the sake of it) isn't really high on my list. I had planned to volunteer abroad, with a developmental organisation for a segment of our trip, which was what attracted me most. Now I'm considering what to do with my life. As of next Friday I'll be jobless, manless and living at home at my parents house - all at the age of 31. So I'm giving thought to many many ideas - like right now I'm researching work as a schools counsellor, something I think I'd be good at. I think I will go on 'some' of the trip, but not for a year long stint. I love my life, friends and family. I'm not running from anything... so I think I'd miss too much of my life if I left for a large amount of time now. So yeah, I'm positive. Remarkably so. I think it's because (like I said before) I'm the best me I've ever been at this very moment. So what's not to be happy about. It's entirely his loss... I did all I could and despite still being in love with me and being at his happiest in 15 years he couldn't hold on to us. That's his issue and his regret to live with, not mine :0)

Hey it must be scary being "jobless, manless and living at home"  but in a way it sounds bloody brilliant, like being 16 again hahaha!  The world is your oyster and a fresh page is turning.  Many trapped women will be envious of you.x